I had no intensions of writing this book. I was preparing my book Awkward Years last year for publication which was the product after a long battle of writer’s block. I was proofreading when the line, “I’m not dead”, popped into my head.
What most people don’t know, last year I was silently dealing with getting a divorce due to being married to a porn addict who was also a hypochondriac on top of a narcissistic, unemphatic pathological liar. I was married to someone who tried to make me believe I was less than human. Someone that thought could mold me into what he wanted me to be. I was called fat, I was ridiculed for what I ate. I was promised things with no follow through, ever. I was blamed for the porn that was downloaded on my computer because “he would never do that”, so it had to be me. Family and friends were pulled on puppet strings and fell for every last lie that came out of his mouth. I could keep going.
One thing he had wrong. He messed with the wrong girl. I can’t be played. I’m not dumb, I wasn’t born yesterday. I stood my ground, called him out on his shit and he didn’t like it. In the end, I blame no one but myself. I knew after being married a year that this wasn’t going to end well and I played along to figure out a plan to rectify the horrible mistake I made. Anyway…
I’m not dead was stuck in my head and I decided that was going to be the title of my next book. I’m not dead became my motto. I was going to rise above this tragedy that should have never happened and I am going to reclaim my life. But this book would end up being more deep and powerful than I was planning.
At the same time as my divorce, I was also going through things that no mother should have to go through. I will not go into details but I will share things that are already public knowledge. My daughter had attempted suicide more than once and spent time in and out of the hospital last year. I can’t explain how I had the strength to keep going. I don’t want to say I survived because we are still working on powering through. But I will tell you, this last year had tested me in a way that I hope I never have to experience again. After all this, I am a believer that I will get through pretty much anything that comes my way. I have learned a whole lot and that in fact, IM NOT DEAD. And yes, I got the ok from my daughter to use this title under the circumstances because I did not want to offend her or come off as insensitive even though the title was thought up BEFORE her challenges. I feel like I must share this because I know what some of you are thinking and I will nip that in the ass right now.
I’m Not Dead is extra special. The plan for the cover was supposed to be me wearing my burnt up wedding dress (which is a metaphor for those who are a little slow) but as it turned out, I couldn’t fit into it so I had to go to the next best thing, my daughter. Well, she totally nailed it. I have gotten more compliments on this cover than any other cover I’ve come up with. And I have to agree. She captured the mood of the book not only for the cover but in all the photos in the book, more than perfect.
By far, this book is the one I am most proud of. I hope you give this book of poetry a chance. I’d love to hear your feedback about it, good or bad, and I encourage you to write a review on Amazon if you do take the plunge and decide to purchase it.
Lady on a Wire 